Ballz and Eye Crust.

You know how this goes. I sigh --

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

I can feel the crust on my eyes. Blink, blink. That didn't work so well. As I rub the shiznit off my f-a-c-e, I see a Chef walk past with a Friend of his.

My eyes may not be workin' but my e-a-r-s are just fine.

Chef: "She is always with me. It's like she doesn't know what it means to be alone."
Friend: "I would say it's a Vietnamese thing but dude, my girlfriend is the same way. She always wants to spend time together. Even when I am taking a crap she wants to talk."
Chef: "What's also weird is her family never leaves the house when they visit. Someone is always around cooking or cleaning or on the phone, like her mom...or a cousin. I can barely breathe."
Friend: "Yeah, I know man."
Chef: "I love my wife, but she doesn't get personal space at all. I try and tell her I need alone time and she looks at me like I am crazy."
Silence . . .
Friend: "...well, are we crazy for not wanting to hang out with them all of the time?"
They stand there, seriously perplexed by the ridiculous question. And, if I wasn't so blind at the moment with sleep doo-doo, I would be able to see the concern in their eyes. Maybe for their manhood...or for the balls they used to have.

Volunteer My Heart Away.

You know how this goes. I sigh...

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

I stand in front of two steel counters with plastic gloves over my hands and a cheap, disposable white hairnet on my hair. Is this really necessary? Clock reads -- 8:13am. OMG. I shake my head, wishing it was lunch time already.


A guy approaches me. Looks like a Chef. Just has that swagger.


Chef: "Okay hey wasup. You a volunteer?"
Me: "Uh, yes. I am."
Unfortunately. Hey now, don't get me wrong, I love to volunteer. Just not in the eaaarly mornin'.
Chef: "Super. I need you to tear up these large pieces of chicken into little pieces."
I look over his shoulder and see the endless piles of long, narrow sheets of fatty chicken. Um, I don't have to do this...do I?
Me: "I got it."
Uh, I totally don't.
Chef: "Oh, and it would be awesome if you did this in like an hour...tops."
How the heck am I going to get through all of this in that amount of time?
Me: "No problem!"
Look. I know how to bullshit when I need to. Let's just say that Hollywood is rubbin' off on a sistah.
As I grab a tray and get to work on my assigned task, like Chris Brown doing community service, I kinda give it my all. Okay, not really. And, almost as if G-O-D answered my prayers, I hear my savior (a black Woman in her 50s) approach me.
Woman: "What needs to be done here?"
Me: "Um, the Chef just told me to break up these trays of chicken. I have about 10 more to do, which I'm sure will take at least an hour."
Before I finish my sentence she has already gone to town on a tray of chicken and broken up half of it with her speedy hands.
Me: "...or not."
Woman: "We gotta speed this up now. These sick people have to get their food."
And before I know it, the Woman is on her 4th tray while I am just finishing my first. She ain't playin' around. I wonder what her story is?
Me: "So, how long have you been volunteering here?"
Woman: "Let's see now...around two weeks. I gotta do it for school...and myself. Getting my masters in Nutrition."
Me: "Awesome. Where ya from?"
Woman: "Compton, honey. Yourself?"
Me: "I'm from the valley."
She shoots me a proud smile as she says --
Woman: "Well, that's all right. See, now myself, I wasn't supposed to make it this far, ya know. A girl from South Central who grew up on food stamps. No way was I supposed to make it this far. But, my mama taught me right."
Me: "That's cool that you're here and giving your time."
Woman: "Ahh yes, you must help others. My mama, before she died, always told me to help those who can't help themselves. And, it gives me something to do. All of my family is gone now. My two brothers died this year due to smoking."
Me: "Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that."
Woman: "It's okay. The great Lord has blessed me and continues to everyday. I am glad to be here. A gurl from the South side of Compton. Who would have imagined I would get this far?"
As she continues making me and the rest of the volunteers look bad with her quick and impressive hands, I can't help but feel inspired. And, I can't help but wonder...how far am I supposed to go?

Hmmm...

Life's unpredictable. We don't know where we'll be today, tomorrow, or even in the Present moment. I think it comes down to living in the moment and staying positive. Easier said than done, I know. But, if we're too busy thinking about things then it becomes close to impossible to see all of the wonderful things happening right in front of our face. Word.

One Day You're In...

"Sometimes you're in, and sometimes you're out."

(photo found here)

We all know these famous words from the gorgeous and smart woman, Heidi Klum.

At first I used to hate them. So cold...so false. Aren't you always in if you're in?

Then I got to thinking and thought: maybe she's right...maybe it's kind of like love.

One day you're feeling great and everything is perfect. You're getting along and want nothing more than to be with that person every second. But, then you have those times where you want space and don't want to be around your lover.

Kind of like after you get into a HUGE fight with someone you love. Like, so bad you may be thinking, "can we get past this?" Or, "will things ever be the same?" At these times, one can feel nothing but Out. Very, very out.

But,

A few hours or days later, you begin to calm down and think. Your heart starts to soften and you miss that person, or that massive problem seems much smaller. All you want to do is talk and move on to how things were...if the love is truly there. Otherwise, you'll just walk away and give up.

Strength.

Let's say you got a lot of that dope shiznit and refuse to throw in da towel. Perhaps you'll talk to that person and realize that your relationship and love is even stronger than you ever imagined. And, within moments, the feelings of never wanting to have that person out of your life comes back like dust on a kitchen table.

Maybe...

Being Out makes us realize how In we always were.

3 Minute Conversations - Afterellen.com

Hey there peeps,
Check out the first vlog of "3 Minute Conversations" on afterellen.com today. It'll be airing every Wednesday with different women every week, and some returning ladies in upcoming vlogs.

In the very near future, I will be giving updates on shooting, the women who will be featured, and show all of the pretty faces behind the show.

Thank you for tuning in and watching. This is just the beginning.

Oh, and the name's Lauren. It's nice to meet you = )

Check it

It's Hard to Say.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

It's of those summer evenings. Again. Plus, a gloomy sky. I look good in my pink earrings and shiny lip gloss. Two adorable GUYS sit with me at a table as they sip on drinks and give their two cents about the current discussion we're having...

...about love.

You know how this goes. I sigh --


Guy 1: "...so, you still think about her?"
Me: "Yeah, but that's because I'll always care. I mean, you don't stop thinking about those you were once with no matter how bad or good it was."
Guy 2: "Speak for yourself, gurl."
Guy 1: "Oh, shut up, you cynic. Lauren, I want to know why you don't reach out to her since you clearly love her."
Me: "I've tried in the past two years, but received no response. What am I going to do, keep gettin' rejected? And, at some point I have to ask myself why I am reaching out to someone who clearly doesn't feel the same way?"
Guy 2: "I agree with that. If she ain't responding, then let it go. From the sound of it, this woman won't ever say anything."
Guy 1: "Well, do you still love her? I think that's what matters the most."
Me: "Yes, I do. In what way, I don't know. It changes from day-to-day depending upon if I'm P-M-S-ing or not."
Guy 2: "I think the real question is this: is she on your mind because you want what you can't have, or because you genuinely love her?"
Me: "I've thought about it, and at first it was just my Ego...maybe part of it still is."
Guy 2: "Gurl, it still is."
Me: "Who knows what the truth is, but I do know that I wish it wasn't so lame. A simple call and exchanging words over the phone isn't hard. Why call and hang up on me several times and say nothing as opposed to, "I don't want to be friends" or, "Let's never talk again?"
Guy 2: "Well, I'd probably hang up, too, after finding out it was you...I wouldn't want to go back in the past. I would want to keep it movin' and forget about it. I can hold a grudge easily, but when I get sucked back in...that's when I lose control."
Me: "So, it's all about control and power? Really? Because, if it is then that's even lamer."
Guy 1: "Well, men are different. If it's a good fuck, we can usually get over it fast."
Guy 2: "Not me. I can hold a grudge for lifetimes. And hey, you're the one who knows her, not us. Listen to your intuition. What is it saying?"
Me: "It's saying to let it go. What's meant to be will be. I think she's cool enough, but I don't really see a point in a friendship."
Guy 1: "Would you date her again?"
Guy 2: "Oh, God...stop already."
Guy 1: "I'm a romantic, okay! Let me talk. Lauren, would you?"
Me: "I'd do a date. Sure. What do I have to lose?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, go ahead. So you can be reminded of how bad you are for each other and then never talk again."
Me: "You're probably right. We didn't really get along."
Guy 1: "This is funny because I'm sure what you're saying now is stuff she's saying to her friends, too."
Me: "We'll never know, will we?"
Guy 1: "Do you want to?"
Me: "Not really."
Guy 2: "Another question: she sounds selfish and mean, so why do you want to have her in your life?"
Got me there. Guess I need more therapy?
Me: "I don't know what I want from her, if anything at all. Honestly, if she's the same person, then I don't want anything to do with her."
Guy 1: "Uh-o. Expectations..."
Guy 2: "Yeah, ya'll won't be talking ever again I'm sure. It sounds like a crash waiting to happen."
I sit there wondering, why do I sometimes crave a reconnection with one of my previous partners, particularly if we weren't even a good match? And, if I want her to change? It's something I can't wrap my head around and wish I could forget about with a nice glass of wine. But, I take a sip of my sparking water instead, and accept things for what they are...and so it is.

Who knows what the right thing to do is and what the wrong thing to do is. Honestly, I think it's all about the Present moment. Whatever you do, you do it for a reason. I don't know why I still think about some of the people I do from my past, whether it's a family member or a previous lover, but the fact is that I do. I don't force 'em out of my memory or consciousness just because I may feel wronged or hurt or whatever. But, that's just me.

However, I'm simply talkin' about thinking. I'm not talking about reaching out or trying to reestablish a relationship with folks. That's a different story. At times, we must let go of individuals who are too toxic in our life while we still think of him or her occasionally. In other words, if a fool hits you, run and don't ever go back.

On the realz, I think we overthink things in our society -- oftentimes with our Ego. Yeah, I may reach out to someone who has been "mean" or "selfish," but, in that moment, it's what I felt. So, that's what it was meant to be. Sometimes it isn't as easy as a therapist saying, "Don't do that." Sometimes you have to, in a healthy way, listen to your heart because there's always something to learn in the end.

Who knows how I feel about my ex girlfriend(s) beyond the Ego and hurt. I guess if I really wanted more from 'em, I would reach out. But, I don't. Why? Maybe I don't want to restart a negative dance that was never good in the first place. Or, to avoid getting my heart broken. Could be because a few of them talk too damn much (lol, j/k).

For real -- I think there's power in purpose and in letting things come to you. What's meant to be, will be. But hey, don't be afraid to take a few risks every now 'n then.

Smile.

Unspoken Attraction.

Situation --

You're in a relationship. You meet someone who wants to be friends. A great person who you are very physically attracted to.

And, your loving partner doesn't care that you two are friends...for the moment.

You know how this goes --

I sit with my Friend at the beach. We're reading...or pretending to read in between looking at the sun and nice bodies.
Friend: "You think I should dump her?"
Me: "Hey, she's your girlfriend, not mine. Whatever makes you happy."
Friend: "Come on, I need your help. You're a woman 'n shit like that. I don't want it to be an issue, but I just get the feeling that something isn't right."
Me: "Well, do you think she's cheating on you?"
Friend: "No, she'd never do that...I don't think. But, I know she wants to fuck him. He wouldn't mind either."
Me: "So then, it bothers you?"
Friend: "Yes, but it shouldn't...right? It's all your fault. Having me listen to my heart and shit.
He smiles at me. I laugh.
Me: "You know how I feel. If your gut is telling you it doesn't feel right, then be honest."
Friend: "And say what? I don't want you to be friends with him anymore? What right do I have to say that to another person?"
Me: "If that's what you need, then you have every right. When you're in a relationship, you have to express your feelings and needs otherwise resentment, anger, and hostility will occur. Be honest with her."
We sit there in silence. My Friend looks out at the ocean in deep thought. . . then --
Friend: "What if she says no...that she won't stop being his friend?"
Me: "Your answer will come when or if that moment comes. Why focus on something that is Not?"
Friend: "Yeah...I guess."
Me: "It will work out how it's meant to, honey."
He takes it in, sitting there until his body suddenly perks up.
Friend: "Fuck, why would she put me in this situation? She has to know that it's obvious they want to have sex with each other. And still being his friend...I hate it."
Me: "All you can do is tell her what you need, then proceed from there."
A hot woman passes and he doesn't even notice. I look over at him and see something for the first time in his eyes -- hurt. For a brief second, I wish I had a pill to make it all go away.

There are times when you need to be supportive and just listen to your friends, because that's what they need. Then, there are other times where you have to break it down.

Imma break it down --

If you're with someone and they're hanging out with a person they are attracted to, it probably ain't a good idea to be with 'em.

Seriously, there's no need. And, frankly, if my girlfriend wanted to do that, I'd be questioning her integrity and respect for me as a person. It's along the same lines of hanging out with an ex girlfriend you'd love to have just one more night with. Hey, if you're single, that's all good 'n the hood. But, it ain't appropriate behavior when you're in a relationship.

Temptations can be good for ya and they can be bad for ya. This ain't one of the good ones, ya'll.

My friend is dope, but he has to experience what he's meant to in life just like the rest of us. His girlfriend may agree to stop hanging out with that guy and they may get married/live happily ever after. She may also say, "Hell no" to breaking off the friendship, which forces him to make a tough decision: do I stay with a woman who won't even respond to my needs in the way I deserve, or do I end the relationship in the hopes of finding a woman who will?

To me, the answer is obvious. And, I don't care how good she looks or what she can do with her tongue. If she ain't willing to end the inappropriate friendship, then I have to do what's best for me: end our relationship. 'Cause I know that if I love my partner, I'll easily give up a disrespectful friendship for the sake of our relationship.

And remember, there are mucho fish in the sea. Like, ova 6 billion.

You're Too Young to Understand.

You know how this goes. I sigh --


EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Shiny sun. A beautiful day. I sit at a table with a group of beautiful WOMEN. My drink is as purple as my shirt. A nice color on my skin, although I'm blushing due to the numerous drinks I've had throughout the day.



As one of the Women gets up and leaves, I strike up a conversation with the Lady sitting next to her --

Me: "So, how's your date going?"
She shoots me a look, as if I asked her an absurd question.
Lady: "Oh, we're not dating. I have a girlfriend."
I'm sure she could see the shock on my face as my mouth drops. She has a girlfriend yet she's been flirting with this woman all day? Mmmk, I'm confused.
Me: "Really? I find that surprising."
Lady: "You don't understand. You're too young and you've never been in a long term relationship."
I'm not a fighter, but mean words don't sit well with me. Does she know how long my relationships have lasted? Uh, no.
Me: "How do you know what I've been through?
She ignores me -- not nice.
Me: "I may not know what you're going through, but I do have experience with long term relationships. May I ask you a question?"
Lady rolls her eyes. I try my best not to take is personal, knowing this is her Ego taking charge. Normally I'd walk away by now, but something is keeping me here. Maybe she needs this...maybe we both do.
Lady: "Sure."
Me: "Are you in a monogamous relationship?"
She pauses, and then --
Lady: "I know where you're going with this."
Me: "Well, are you?"
She's annoyed, but she's pretending not to be.
Lady: "...yes, but there are gaps in our relationship. You don't get it."
Me: "Once again, what do you know about me other than my name and age?"
Lady: "I know you don't know anything about me or my relationship."
Me: "True, but I must say that my parents have been together for over thirteen years and they would never act the way you've been with that woman, which has been very inappropriate."
Lady: "It's not like that. This is what we do. We get together and flirt. Whatever."
Me: "Okay. I am just expressing my opinion, so stop me if you want. But, don't you think that if you're flirting with this woman that maybe you aren't happy in your current relationship?"
Her face turns red and she looks speechless...and vulnerable. Ouch. I can tell that I hit a soft spot as she sits there, with no words in her pockets. And, although she put up a thick wall, it's starting to crumble. How was I supposed to know that my words would get to her?

Looking back on this, I probably should have shut my mouth. Maybe I should have left right after I asked her how the date was going. But, I was hurt. It never feels good when you are talking to someone and they say, "you don't understand, you've never been what I've been through." Particularly when you just met that person a few hours before.

Assumptions and generalizations don't feel good. At all. But, just because peeps may fall prey to those thangz doesn't mean you have to react. No lie...

I usually let this stuff roll off my back -- "You're so young, just be quiet," or "I'm twice as old as you so don't even open your mouth." Yeah, I am used to this sort of thang. But, at that moment and on that day I felt the need to keep the discussion going. I felt my Ego say, "Don't let her get away with dissing you like that! Get her back!" And sure enough, I did. Without realizing it, consciously, I kept digging and digging at a very sensitive topic in her life:

Her relationship.

And, I can't say that it was a proud moment for me, because it wasn't. Normally I am the type to let 'em win and walk away before it gets to that point. But, sometimes I will stand my ground and prove my point. Even at this moment, I can't help but wonder what made her say such belittling, hurtful words to me -- a complete stranger? Was it a protective mechanism for her, feeling like she needed to be defensive?

Regardless,

I don't feel like we should ever cut someone down for his or her opinion. Because, it's only words in the large scheme of things. And, words only dig deep when we let the Ego take control. For example, let's turn the tables and pretend I am that Lady who is in a monogamous relationship:

Oh wait, there's no conversation because I would never be flirting with another woman if I am in committed partnership. That's the truth (for me), straight up. Yes, it isn't my duty or yours to call someone out on his or her actions. However, when we do and the other person attacks us or acts super defensive, then they are more than likely covering up an insecurity within themselves.

Get happy.

Dreamin'

I don't know about you, but I love being in the clouds.

(Photo found here)

I love the way a dream looks, even when I wake up sweating and scared.

Yes

I like to fall in and out of love because it gives me the opportunity to feel while so many of us have lost that ability. But, I don't like reaching out to someone I like and then getting no response. I recently talked to my good friend about this theme of unresponsiveness in the dating world.

This is a conversation about love and disappointment. You know how this goes. I sip Merlot. The wind blows in our hair --

Me: "I don't get it. I let her know I was interested and got no response. How hard is it to either say, "I ain't into you" or, "let's just be friends."
My Friend gives me one of those looks. Ya know, the one that says, "you don't know shiznit." I shuffle in my chair, not knowing what to expect. When is this Merlot going to kick in?
Friend: "Look, you gotta understand something, youngin'. It isn't that easy. Just because she didn't respond doesn't mean she isn't interested! I'm the same way. Sometimes I need time to process things."
Did the wind just laugh? Because, I can't be the only one who is amused by her words.
Me: "Oh, come on, that's nuts. It only takes a few seconds to respond. How hard is it to tell someone how you feel?"
Friend: "If you don't know, or if you still need time to think about your feelings, it's hard. Very hard."
Me: "What would you still need to think about?"
Friend: "Like, is this person right for me? What do we have in common? Can I handle all of this? Or...this is too much, I'll just deal with it later. These are things I think about all of the time."
Me: "Oh, come on. Like I said, it doesn't take long to respond to someone."
Friend: "I'll be honest with you, a lot of things come into play. Like, what's her education and how much does she get paid? I am not willing to put all of my faith and hope into a 23 year old. I have been hurt so many times in my life and there's no way I would risk my heart getting broken again by a young person. Just ain't happening. I'd rather give myself to Terminator than do that. That's the truth. Please don't hate me."
Maybe it's the way her hair's blowing in the wind, or the way her eyes look so peaceful in the sun. I can't even be annoyed with my Friend or hurt by the honesty.

Does it really come down to things that are so superficial? Age, education, or your social status. Sure, I understand that we have to be selective in some way(s), but at the same time, we must follow our heart...right? If you feel a connection with another human being, especially romantically, are you really going to deny it for such a small reason?

Let's get real. I may not be perfect, and yes, I may judge as well, but I always follow my heart. I never rule a woman out before I get to know her (if there's a strong connection). In this world, it's already hard enough to find that. So, why ignore it when it's like a needle in a haystack?

Sure, love and dating is all about figuring out who is right and wrong for you. But, is it really as easy as my friend says to sum up someone and spit 'em out? I say it's easier said than done. When you're looking at a man or a woman who makes your heart skip a beat I guarantee you won't be thinking about how s/he collects garbage for a living.

My Friend and I decided to walk back inside to finish our conversation. I refill my Merlot as she sits down. You know how this goes. I sigh --

Friend: "Yeah, it's not easy, I get it. But, that's just how it is. Wait two weeks and then text her. I stand in the middle of the room and try to decide what words to say. Sometimes I like to think before I talk. Sometimes.
Me: "I think that's bull to the shiznit. If she's into me, than she should let me know. Things should be easy right now, not complicated. It's like my guy friend says about his partner: "I don't care if she shits on her face, I'd kiss her anyway."
Friend: "So, you want to be shit on?"
Me: "...yeah."
I smile, grossed out and amused all at once. Is that really what I want? Yes...it is.

And maybe that's what it comes down to -- finding someone who doesn't care what you smell or look like because they love you no matter what.